Put Yourself in Their Shoes
I’ve been wanting to write this blog for a while now. It’s something that I personally work very hard on and will continue to do so because it doesn’t come naturally to me in some situations.
The technique I describe here is more of an aspiration to continually aim for than it is an overnight switch. At least, that’s been the case in my experience. I practise this technique to ensure that I am not only as self-aware as I can be before I start a conversation, but also to ensure that I have the best insight into that person and their situation. This is especially important when emotions and stakes are high.
Talking of emotionally-charged communications. Have you ever found yourself in any of these scenarios?
- You’re in a conversation with one or more people and you can hear your voice starting to show frustration (like rising volume)?
- You want to confront a person and “tell them some home truths”?
- You’ve composed at least 7 draft emails to a person to try and calm yourself down and rationalise a situation? Oh and never put the person’s name in the ‘To’ field, that will end in tears I assure you.
I have.
Here’s the thing, emotion, more often than not, likes to be in charge of these situations. And, when you let emotion throw its weight around, the physical incarnation of you starts smacking the keyboard, posturing for a fight, and conjuring up what it thinks you really want to say to them.
Well, spoiler alert, that’s not a great place to be for you or for them! The good news is that you can, over time, take steps to counteract it. It takes a lot of effort, (and sometimes your emotions have already hijacked a car of their choice and are doing 90mph down the motorway with no intention of slowing down or pulling over — got a whole wardrobe of those t-shirts), but it is achievable.
Put yourself in their shoes
To put it another way, walk a minute/hour/day in their life and see what you learn about them.
Why would I put myself in their shoes?
I have found that if I understand their perspective, I can be more empathetic to their needs. And if I can be more empathetic to their needs, I can tailor my communication to ensure we both get our goals met and my emotions don’t go for a communication joy-ride and stop us all from getting what we need. It’s worth noting that you can’t control anyone’s emotions except your own, but you may be able to influence them.
How do I put myself in their shoes?
What does that mean I should do? Go steal their shoes and jog around the block? Clearly not, I am not advocating shoe-thievery of any kind. Plus I have massive feet so I would personally really struggle on that one.
No, it means:
Stop, take a deep breath. Ask yourself - “What are their drivers”?
Drivers are what will ultimately determine their actions, needs and goals. They might be very simple and there might only be a couple, such as wealth or achievement/kudos. Other drivers might be less obvious and more complex.
You need to understand what drives that person, what makes them tick. What are the drivers behind the decisions they are taking? How are those drivers impacting their actions, needs and goals?
These questions can help you to put yourself in their shoes:
- What do they know or think they know? Is it all the information? Can you help fill in the picture?
- What do they want out of this conversation? Are those the same things you want?
- What stressors might they be under? What deadlines are they working to? Who are they working with?
- What does success look like for them? Do they have commitments to deliver on?
- What do you have in common? This can be personally or professionally.
- How might they be feeling right now? Why might they be feeling those things?
Asking yourself these questions will help you to get a window of insight into their lives and give you valuable tools to help you manage the conversation and achieve your goals (and theirs). It’s important to point out that you may have to make some assumptions and extrapolations on some of these, but, always assume positive intent and remember that they’re human too (probably).
Return the shoes and start the conversation
Once you have at least some understanding of what their drivers might be, you need to return the metaphorical shoes and start the conversation.
You are now better equipped to manage the conversation in a self-aware and empathetic way. That, in turn, is much more likely to get you (and them) the outcomes you both want.
So next time you are about to have a conversation, especially an emotionally-charged conversation, try and take a step back, put yourself in their shoes and understand where they're coming from. You might be surprised at what you find out!
